Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
