Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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