I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
