bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
