Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
