I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
