Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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