ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
