I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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