I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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