I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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