when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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