Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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