There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
