Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
