i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
