i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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