You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
