She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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