Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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