I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
