I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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