What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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