i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
