New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
