I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
