Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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