he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
