i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
