I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
