I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
