If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
