Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
