What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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