Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
