I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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