That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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