the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
