I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
