she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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