i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
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