Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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