If i come over, it means nothing
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
