im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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