If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
