You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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