Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
