Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
