got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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