Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
