i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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